I was always someone who used to think how selfish people were that committed suicide! Then it hit too close to home.
I grew up with a family that welcomed me like I was one of their own. They have 3 boys, so although I was a tomboy, I was still a girl so I think that helped. We took a few LONG trips to Florida over the years, and shared many birthdays and holidays together. Those boys treated me like a sister. Especially, the oldest son. We were the closest in age. He was a good-looking kid, so all of my friends were totally using me at some point to get to see. Throughout the years, we drifted apart as young adults. One break I had from college when he was home too, we all went out to a bar for a few drinks. In typical Mary style, I had a few too many drinks. He helped me to the spare room, got me in bed and sat in the rocking chair next to the bed. He slept right there in that chair all night long. When I woke up, I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” That was the kind of person he was. Then he picked on me a bit for overindulging in the alcohol. I couldn’t blame him. We both laughed and then we went out and had breakfast with the family. After breakfast, he walked me to my car and gave me a big hug! That memory was the last memory I had of him. He was a member of the Air Force and struggled with depression and as you know, we do not give Veterans nearly enough support with mental illness. He knew he had issues and did everything he could to stop his dark thoughts. It didn’t work and he ultimately took his life. This changed my way of thinking because he wasn’t doing this to be selfish. He didn’t do it because of one bad time in his life. He did it because he didn’t feel like he had any other option. It consumed him. It was a disease. He lost his fight with mental illness and his family was left to pick up the pieces. I can’t make sense of what he was facing. I miss him and the wonderful guy he was.
My youngest sister, who just turned 21 years old last week just ended her life. While sitting in my car waiting to go in to my chiropractor appointment, I was scrolling through Facebook and noticed her name tagged in posts that said RIP. I first thought well, this is a sick joke and so I reached out to my siblings. It wasn’t a joke. It was true. The night before she bought a lot of heroin and rented a hotel room. She wrote 2 different letters to her friends and then sent a couple disturbing text messages to a couple other friends. They were so disturbing they decided to call the cops. Finally, through her iPad, the cops were able to find her. She was already dead. The coroner said that the heroin had been laced with fentanyl and she took so much it was overkill. She was dead within the first 5 minutes.
She sure didn’t have it easy. I mean we do share the same father so there is strike one! Her mother is a drug addict. She up and left a few years ago, and a family took her in. Now to not feel wanted by a parent is heartbreaking, all of Scott’s kids know that, but to be abandoned by both is heavy shit to deal with, let alone being so young! I have some good memories of her. Spending a Thanksgiving with her, she was only 4 years old at the time. I was going to a nearby college so it worked out. Kira was very much the baby. We all somewhat resemble each other, but she is the only one with red hair. She is a true beauty! Her eyes and smile lit up any room. Now I am 38 and she just 21, so there is quite the age gap. This has made it hard for us all to stay connected, so us siblings haven’t been nearly as close as I’d like to be. We all just got together last month to see our grandmother laid to rest. That was a sad time for us all, yet a time I will now forever cherish to have been able to have with her.
I am feeling so many emotions with this whole thing. Obviously, there is sadness, confusion, anger, but mostly what I feel is guilt. I am the oldest. I could’ve done better. She didn’t reach out to any of us. To think this was the only option she thought she had makes me absolutely sick! When I think of this I can’t help but hate Scott even more too. He completely sucks! I know he isn’t all to blame for this, but he is a big part of it! Now I have to go and see this son of a bitch at her memorial service in a couple days. All I keep thinking is that if he acts like the grieving father, I might not be able to keep my cool! A little too late for that shit! As of now I believe all but one of us siblings are going to make it. We are trying to go as a united front. Better together. I have the furthest drive, but I am going to pick up my other sister on the way so at least half the ride there and back won’t be that bad. If this teaches me anything it is that I need to make more time for family. I never want any of my siblings to think they can’t come to me for anything at any time. I am trying to keep it together, but this will be something! Stay tuned for a follow-up blog. We are also talking about doing a little fundraiser for suicide prevention in her name.
Mary
Ruthless Lifestyle 